That's basically how I approached this thing. When I started writing the story, I tried to eliminate all mention of goats. During revision, though, I couldn't help but drop little hints, like the names of the characters and their features. I know I totally blew it, but I really couldn't resist the temptation. And I think it not only added to the story's depth, but also to the humor. Once everyone discovered the thinly veiled fairytale, I think the hints became comical. I could hear the chuckles in the audience as I made references to "kids" and "nannies." In case you missed any of them, I tried to italicize the little hints dropped throughout the story below. Some of these included references to goats and some referenced the fairytale itself.
My favorite was the "Norseman's beard," an obvious reference to the origin of the story and, perhaps, even the original story teller's facial features. I picture a large goatherd with a meaty beard overlooking his land, a steep hillside descending into a fjord, in which his goats graze. He spends hours looking across the fjord at some distant, pristine patch of grass on which he would love to turn his herd loose. But the fjord, his relentless troll, will not allow passage and so he devises a way to beat the troll and cross the forbidden bridge so that his goats can get fat and happy. Of course, I also imagine him getting blotto drunk at the equivalent of The Crystal in Norway while telling the story to his friends. (Photo: Brett Keisel, BEST BEARD EVER!)So here it is again, in the written form:
Billy, Reid and Buck were on their way to the bar one night. Billy was a member of the track team. A skinny guy, he nonetheless was an eating machine, once consuming three large pizza's in one sitting. Reid was a Canadian by birth, a hockey player and a champion of the keg stand. He had a goatee and was meatier than Billy, but not nearly as big as Buck, who was the largest of the three, by far. A lineman on the football team, Buck had a large Norseman's beard and was easily 300 pounds; by all accounts he was a scary dude.
It was a winter night and mostly quiet as they walked down the snowy sidewalks of downtown Bozeman. But they could hear in the distance the loudly boisterous revelry of the Crystal Bar permeating the crisp night air. As they strolled through downtown, they discussed where they might go for their night of drinking.
“I'm tired of 317,” said Buck to the other two. “It's always a sausage fest. Let's try the Crystal tonight. It looks wild in there.” The other two quickly agreed.
As they approached the bar, the music grew louder and as they gazed up above the doorway, they became even more excited. “Wednesday is Ladies Night,” a banner proclaimed. And it was definitely Wednesday!
But...there was a problem. “Awww...Damn! Look who's working the door,” said Billy.
“Aw, man, I hate that guy,” cried Reid. “Always gives MSU kids a hard time. I think he's from Missoula or somethin. Roots for the Griz. One time I heard he broke some guy's nose just because he looked at him funny.”
“Horseshit,” Buck said. “We're going in there. It's ladies night. LADIES night!”
“But it says there's a cover,” whined Billy. “I didn't bring any cash.”
“Me neither,” protested Reid. “How're we supposed to get past him?”
“Don't you two worry,” said Buck, as he called for a huddle, “I have a plan.”
Billy approached the doorman first.
“What's up kid?” said the bouncer.
“Nothin man.” Billy said, a little unsure of himself. “I'm...I'm here for the chicks!”
The bouncer looked him up and down. “Riiiiiiight. Chicks are free. But dudes have to pay a cover charge,” he said in a gruff voice. “Five bucks, Casanova.”
“I didn't bring cash tonight, man; credit card only. The guy behind me's gonna pay,” said Billy. “Let me in and he'll get my cover.”
“Go ahead in.” The bouncer waved him inside, “but if you're lying to me I'm coming in after you.”
Reid approached the door next.
“Ten bucks man.”
“Huh? The sign says five. You tryin' to stiff me, fool?”
“Fool? Harumph. Your boy in there said you had his cover. Now do you or don't you?”
“Not me. But 'ol Buck back there said it was his treat tonight. Talk to him.” He gestured over his shoulder and slipped by the bouncer, disappearing into the smoke and neon.
Buck walked up quickly and flashed his ID. The bouncer was beginning to look kind of pissed.
“That'll be 15 bucks, bro.”
“Say what? I ain't payin that.” And Buck too tried to brush past him. The big, scary bouncer put his meaty hand on Buck's chest and gave him a shove backward.
“Uhhhh-aaaah. No way, man.” The bouncer stood up from his perch on the bar stool. “You gotta pay for you AND your two friends. You got a problem with that you take it out on them. Now, give me the money or I kick your ass first and then I go grab your scrawny little friends and wring their scrawny little necks!”
Buck smiled to himself and said, “Let's do this!” and charged at him as if he were a practice dummy. He lifted the heavy bouncer off his feet and knocked him into the stone wall. The bouncer quickly got up, but Buck was on him just as fast. He grabbed him by the ears and gave him a mighty butt with his head. The bouncer fell backward and Buck proceeded to stomp on his face with his size 15 shoes until blood gushed from his nose. Then he tossed him into the street where the Streamline bus hit him square in the forehead. The bouncer just lay there, motionless on the pavement, covered in his own blood, his body and bones crushed to bits.
Buck wiped his hands on his Carhartts and walked into the blaring music to join his buds. That night they each found a lady. Coincidentally, all three were nannies for rich families in Bozeman. And from that day forward, they made Ladies Night a tradition, for when the management at the Crystal learned of what had happened to their mangled bouncer, they hired Buck on the spot. And Billy and Reid never had to pay a cover charge at the Crystal again.
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